Where to begin of this one, fully fleshed out this story could rival the bible in length.
It has everything,sex, violence,blood and a small dog.
As I can only tell this tale from my perspective I guess I better start from what was for me the start….
Several years and sharehouses ago I would take a tram to get home after work, then walk about 10
minutes to get to my house, nothing exciting there. This morning however was different I noticed my
housemate (the Jew) standing across the road with some girl washing a panel van and waving at me.
This was the beginning of the end of our happy household.
I wandered over to say hello and the Jew immediately took me aside and in an excited voice proceeded to tell
me that the girl was a stripper (He worked at a seedy strip club tending bar) and that there were more at home.
I looked at him, pretty uninterestedly as the Jew is not a particularly reliable sort. We chatted and I continued my walk home.
When I arrived there were indeed strippers, several were sleeping in the lounge room, unimpressed I barricaded my
bedroom door and went to sleep. (My door did not close properly)
When I awoke, the strippers and the Jew were gone, a few days passed and I thought no more of it.
The next time I saw the Jew he was still very excited about the whole stripper thing, he was telling me how they
would do strip shows for us, walk around the house nude the usual stripper stuff I guess. Again I wasn’t very impressed
as the Jew is more talk than anything else. Still they were actually there, I adopted a wait and see approach.
The next thing I know we have a stripper living in our back room. How she was a stripper or who would pay her
to strip was and still is beyond my comprehension lets just say everyone that saw her commented along the lines of:
“stripper ?…her ?….Jesus”
She was though. I can confirm this, on of the few times I went to the Jews work I actually saw her give a lap
dance to some guy….from the look on his face I could tell he was not happy with his $10 lappy. Hell I flinched
and looked elsewhere and I was half a room away. Anyway the reason I was there in the first place was to complain
about the strippers dog.
I need to backup a little bit here, shortly after the stripper came into our lives and our home the Jew asked The
Monkey (other house mate, total of 3, 4 with stripper) and myself if it was ok if the stripper stayed for a week
or so because she had been kicked out of her flat or some crap like that. The Monkey and I said yes after all what could
happen and the rent money would be welcome also.
It was ok for awhile, the monkey and I went to work (worked for the same company) and the stripper and Jew went to
work, he drove her in the afternoons to the strip joint. She would dance and we would tend bar.
I think this went on happily for a few weeks, I was not really paying attantion, the Jew would occasionally come out and
tell the Monkey and myself tales of his sexual exploits with the stripper while The Monkey and I cringed. Remember the next
part its important.
The Monkey and I were pretty much in agreement that she was not a prime specimen of womanhood, and shared the
amazement that she was a stripper….granted the discount kind ($10 lappys, full price was $30)…but
One afternoon I woke up disoriented, what the fuck is that noise I wondered, so I stagger around my house until
I get to the kitchen/Laundry door, and find it closes. It is never closed. Curious I open it.
Oh my god. Shit everywhere.
…..and a fucking puppy.
The puppy stopped crying and proceeded to run up to my feet and start scratching the hell out of my legs jumping
everywhere….acting like a neglected puppy thats just happy to see someone.
I was not impressed.
I’m pretty easy going, thoughts of anger and revenge didn’t occur to me until the following week but I’m getting
ahead of myself again…so I put the puppy back into the hell that used to be our laundry and went back to bed.
Pity the fucking dog wouldn’t shut up and let me sleep though….got up, shared a few choice words with no one
in particular and let the dog into the house. I probably could have gone back to sleep but a yelping puppy in a
house next door to our landlord with no a pets policy was unacceptable risk.
So I spent the next few hours on the couch with the puppy trying to get it to stay there so I could get some
sleep, I didn’t want it roaming around the house shitting everywhere…it wasn’t fun the puppy was very excited
after being cooped up alone….not fun.
Eventually the Jew and stripper arrived home, I calmly asked about the dog, explained that I was not happy
and I wanted to know who’s dog it was and more importantly when It would be leaving.
I was told at the end of the week with the stripper….
Heres where always get confused when trying to work out what happened.
I guess this part starts on the day when I get home from work and am pounced upon by an excited Jew
whispering that the Monkey is in bed with the stripper, not a great surprise the Jew had been pretty much offering
her to us since day one.
Not to sound gay or anything but the Monkey could do a hell of a lot better than that beast.
I digress…where was I…oh yes the stripper was in bed with the Monkey, in the tradition of amused housemates
everywhere the Jew and I threw the monkeys bedroom door open and giggled at them and ran off.
Then we played bad porno music at them for the next half hour or so until the amusement wore thin.
It seems “ownership” of the stripper had been transferred, she spent the remainder of her time there with the
Apart from the puppy bitting the monkeys balls (During sex) the next week was uneventful as far as I was concerned,
the Monkey and the Jew were both banging the stripper I heard about a few cases of sloppy seconds for the monkey for the Jew…
stuff like that. I went back to ignoring all three of them and was successful until the “shit went down” one afternoon.
I was asleep happily so in my barricaded room one afternoon when the Jew forces he way in screaming and crying
that we have to get out of the house….now I’m naked and pissed about being woken up. I’m not going anywhere.
I try to get an explanation, I’m told people are coming to kill us. Ok great I think as the Jew runs out of my room
to do god knows what. I took the opportunity to dress and walk casually over to The monkeys room….strange he is crying also and is packing his stuff into bags and loading
them into the strippers car while she does the same.
I ask the Monkey quietly “Uh so what’s happening ?” he splutters that its all fucked up and to
get out of the house, the Jew killed someone last night and the dead guys friends are coming to kill us….
Hmmm ok I ask the Jew and he tells me to get out of the house (He’s packing shit of his own) , a few moments
later the stripper and Monkey jump in her car and reverse out towards the gate of out back yard where she was
parked…straight into the back of the Jews car, she tries a few times hitting it each time.
The Jew eventually notices and moves his car.
They drive away and the Jew wildly offers to drive me to a friends house…I refuse and the Jew drives
off leaving me baffled and afraid standing is the street outside my house…I decide to try calling the Monkeys
mobile for a explanation. The monkey answered but his tale only confused me further….
This is where the story get weird.
So I call the monkeys phone to find out whets happened, he’s still very afraid and asks me to meet them a
few blocks away at a petrol station while they gassed up the strippers car and laid in supplies for their escape.
Turns out the night before, while I was asleep the Jew arrived home, covered in blood, carrying a big bloody
knife and wearing surgical gloves. The Jew told the monkey and the stripper that he killed someone on his way
home. Over the next few hours he leered at them as cleaned his clothing and made comments about how easy it was to get blood stains out if you start early.
I’m a little confused about the next part, however they told me that the Jew had threatened to kill the
stripper a few times while she lived with us and that he was on cocaine and scaring the other girls at the club also.
He also managed to piss off the owners of the club who were bad people, these were the people coming to
kill everyone in the house….this is as far as I can tell unrelated though.
Soooo the stripper and monkey tear ass and drive off. The Jew has fucked off somewhere, and I’m two
blocks from home and completely fucked as far as I can tell.
I have no idea what to do, I call my friend Crazy Marwan and tell him the muddled story and he comes to
pick me up, I didn’t want to go home. We then decide that if people are coming getting my favourite shit out of
the house would be a good idea.
However my friend and I are twitchy about possibly being murdered while loading the car…..
so we head to the local police station in the hopes of getting some backup.
I tell the policeman-fuckhead behind the desk that my housemate MURDERED someone last night and the
basic story, no interest at all. My friend tries for an escort, which while kinda dumb seemed like a good idea at the time.
The desk troll refused, no one is available….yeah I suppose the room full of police watching TV across
the hall are terribly busy. Fuckers.
Anyway, we decide to risk it and loot my house of all my favorite stuff, computers, hifi shit, photo albums
stuff like that. Afterwards I headed to work and my fried took my shit to his house.
I get to work fucking 5 hours early….and spend the whole time trying to call the Jew and the monkey….
well that and looking for somewhere new to live on the net.
I get through to the monkey, he is at the strip club with the police, he begs me not to tell the Jew where
they are….not much of a problem given what happened next.
The Jew called the stripper and she arranged a meeting place, he told her it’s ok, I have a gun now
(referring to the work issue)…however she was with the police who heard him say that.
The Jew went to the meeting place and was surrounded by police and arrested at gunpoint. She set him up.
At some point I also got to talk with the stripper, who told me that the strip club people were not going
to be killing me if I went home. I got home in the morning (I worked graveyard) totally bewildered.
Wondering what was going to happen, the Monkey was refusing to come back, and I didn’t know where the Jew was.
The Jew’s family turned up, told me he was arrested and asked me what the fuck was going on…
oh and the police searched the fuck out of the house while I was at work.
They found I think 3 replica handguns in the Jews room along with several big knifes.
Things didn’t look good.
A few days pass, the monkey still refuses to return, and the Jew is not allowed in the house until the whole thing
is resolved. (Still in custody though)
So best case I’m fucked financially.
Time passes, more of the story comes out, and the Jew moves back to his dads house.
The blood was fucking steak blood, the Jew initially brought the stripper home, he was fucking the shit out of her
every night, that was fine, however she started asking him for money as she wanted to move
to her own place (Our spare room was fucked), the Jew laughed at her and said no.
Meanwhile she is on offer to the rest of the house, I declined….the monkey was right in there. So for awhile they both fucked her,
while the other was at work, the Jew laughing and doing her on the monkeys bed, the monkey in denial.
The dog was handy for cleanup I’m told…
Eventually the Jew tired of this and wanted her out, his theory was that the monkey would counter him and allow her
to stay if he told her to leave…..thus the blood, he wanted to scare her out.
Didn’t quite go as planned though 🙂
The stripper told the police that he threatened to kill her, and held a knife to her throat while driving,
that along with the weapons charges for the guns and knives + the knife they got from his car boot when
he was arrested led to a series of court hearings that continued for years.
The last time he was in serious trouble was for attempted bank robbery…I’m suppressed he wasn’t jailed.
I ended up moving house after losing a tidy sum on rent and bills, the monkey ended up in horrible debit as the
stripper had him sign his name to lots of stuff she wanted.
Then he lost his job, we sacked him as he became unreliable and last I heard he was working as a sales man at dick
smiths. (like radio shack)
The Jew….oh the Jew….well he is still free, over the last years he broke up with his girlfriend after
fucking her mum, almost was arrested for illegal firearms (“I found them, was going to turn them in I swear”)
He’s mostly ok, I have high hopes that he’ll sort himself out. He spends his time either working on cars,
manwhoring or pimping.
That’s pretty much my story. Any questions ?