1. Strange smell.
2. Range hood fan turned on.
3. Hood starts smoking.
4. Hood drops fiery plastic and stuff onto cook top.
5. Canned cooking oil catches fire.
6. Cook top on fire.
7. Can gets thrown outside.
8. Stuff from cook top gets put in sink.
9. Highly flammable blanket put in sink.
10. Sink caught fire.
11. Neighbour #1 took stuff from sink outside.
12. Neighbour #2 put it our with a fire blanket.
13. Hood fire now in ceiling.
14. Neighbour #2 brother, owner of the mysterious horse dog from earlier posts climbs ladder, kicks in laundry window doing so, rips off roof tiles and puts out ceiling fire with hose.
15. 15 mins later fire brigade arrives, Neighbour #3 called them, smoke was billowing through roof.
16. I get a call at work. Head home.
I get home to find.
No power.
Burnt shit and water everywhere.
Dramawhoring.
Broken glass
Two big holes in my roof.
Not too bad really. First I go and shut my computers and ups’s down and open up the house, as smoke is visible.
I call the bank, my insurance is rebilled through them as part of my mortgage, tell them what happened and arrange for a “make safe” visit to isolate the damaged stuff and put the power back on, and close/assess the roof.
A builder and electrician would be contacted and were to call me within a few hours. Pretty good for a Sunday night.
So while we wait I get a extension cord from neighbour #1, setup some lights, using a ladder pop the kitchen skylight and used the hatch to get into the ceiling to get the aircon going.
Fan +10 helped pretty quickly.
Meanwhile it starts raining and the roof is still open.
I’m not going to walk around on the wet roof in the dark, I’d fall through of off for sure.
So back into the ceiling, I try and fail to put the tiles back, the big hole has a crossbeam across the middle and the tiles were neatly stacked, I cant move them or reach the top of the stack.
I get a tarp and manage to cover the holes form the inside. Leaking though, lots.
So I start yelling for buckets. Crack-Ho climbs the ladder…..with a single bucket and throws it at me.
I yell more, wtf am I going to do with a single bucket.
She gets more, climbs the ladder. I’m crouched under the tarp with the bucket, she throws the first one, like a retard, off to the side, away from me, I yell to climb the fucking ladder and give me the fucking buckets, she does so and kicks the ladder out from under her. Didn’t fall.
Smashed my pristine 1979 cocktail missile command with the frigging ladder though.
While terrible. The problem was that neither of us had a phone, no one was around, or coming without a phone I needed to answer the calls from the builder and electrician, no means to get down.
After I finished saying some horrible things I looked at the options.
Laundry manhole – Probably hurt myself.
Roof – Wet.
Waiting – Means missing the tradies and a ceiling full of water.
Skylight – Has a ladder and broken glass everywhere directly below.
I took the retard bucket unplugged the extension cord from the aircon. Tied the cord to the handle and lowered it carefully. Managed to snag the ladder up. Barely.
Awhile later the sparky arrived. Really nice guy.
He tore out the range, isolated the firewire and put the power back on.
It stopped raining by this point, he even replaced the tiles.
The next day the insurance assessor came out, poked around (I guess) checking that the story matched the damage and physical evidence. He seemed happy.
Two lots of builders have been through. I’ll find out which one was chosen tomorrow.
Estimate is about 20k damage & labour according tot he assessor. Builders say much more though.
Sink.
Taps.
Bench top.
Cupboards.
-Handles for the whole lot as the cant be matched.
Range hood.
Cook top.
Probably the built in oven and microwave.
Cleaning and sealing the slate floor.
Repainting.
Window glass.
Burnt window frame.
Splashback tiles.
Needing to cook outside kinda sucks, and at some point I’ll be sleeping in my garden shed, not bothered though, seems a fair trade for a new kitchen.
Editing as story continues:
Monday 5th - Agent didnt call. Trying really hard not to be a dick customer.
Tuesday 6th - Messaged him. Asking for update and scope of works again.
He returned my call. 3 k difference between the cheap builder and the one I want. Going back to see if they will change thier bid. Told me he Will be in contact the next day. – Nothing.
Thursday 8th - Called him. He promised a callback the following day. – Nothing.
I dont know if I’m being dicked around or not or if the delay is comming from the builders….almost a month now.
Monday 12th - Messaged him asking for update. – No responce.
Wednesday 14th - I call him, ask him what’s happening, tells me the tiles are still causing a delay. Promises to call the builder and call me back, will be in a conference for the next two days. – No return call.
Friday 16th - Straight to his paging service, didn’t bother, tried his office, no one there can access file, everyone at conference.
Monday 19th - I get all the details of missed call-backs ready in preparation of calling him and going spastic. Before I can, he calls, tells me the paperwork is ready and will be sent out this week. Do I agree to pay extra for the preferred builder. – Yes.
Tuesday 20th – Builder calls, sending me stuff to sign, awesome.
Thursday 22nd - Paperwork arrives. I finally get to see a scope of work (a list of stuff getting fixed) notice mistakes, I cant sign this. So I email the insurance guy. I wonder if I’ll hear back. I actually emailed him the day after his visit asking for the scope – No reply this time either.
Monday 26th - Still no reply so I call in on their main office number, ask for the agent, not available for a few days….I give the lady my details.
Turns out I’ve been reassigned to a new agent, her. Give her a very brief outline she promises to review file and call me back in a few hours… – No call. No email.
Tuesday 27th - I call in, speak briefly to new agent, she remembers, apologizes, had a surprise meeting yesterday and couldn’t get back to me. Promises to call me in 30mins.
Right after the builder called asking if i received the paperwork 
Had to explain the situation briefly, builder promised to followup next week I think thats best case…I think the paperwork will need to be redone, along with the contracts.
She actually called me back. Assured me that everything would be fixed dispite what was on the paperwork, that finding extra damage and expense after work started is normal. She also emailed the builder and cc’ed me.
Friday 6th - Bulder calls, paperwork and payment arrived. Shreaded my CC papaerwork before processing the extra charge (as I paid extra to have this builder)
-$945
Tuesday 10th - Builder calls, wants to arrange a time to look at stuff. Tomorrow? Really? Ok!
Wednesday 11th - Builder actually turned up on time, answered questions, had a look around. Will need to send cabinet guy out. No timelines.
Not feeling good about this as the xmas shutdown is almost here.
Thursday December 3rd - Cabinet maker came out, measured it all again..Again, cant match stuff. Taking about a whole new kitchen.
Wednesday December 9th – Nothing happened. Emailed Insurance company.
Thursday December 17th - No reply. Called Assessor. New kitchen approved. Yay.
Wednesday January 6th - Called builder looking for update. System down will call me back, didnt.
Thursday January 7th - Called builder looking for update. Three week wait for joinery. Great. Assessor emailed me the following a few hours later builder wants to put in a new pantry for $4380. Sure thing.
