May 12 2004
Vietnam week.
Arrived today…
Also added:
Updated Photo gallery.
Tuesday
12-05-2004
Standing around the airport singing offensive songs, eating gum and trying to be first in line.
Stupid old people and children getting priority.
Plane over.
1. Late departure.
2. Bad airline food.
3. Hostile hostesses.
They put us in the worst seats on the plane, no foot room, a dark monitor and a stranger next to me. I took the middle seat.
I was pretty excited and couldn’t sleep. The movies were bad.
Matrix 3.
Cruel intentions.
Cheaper by the dozen.
Started to get sick after eating. Had to walk around a few times. Farted on the lady next to me every 20-35 minutes for the whole flight.
Hostess either had no English, or didn’t like us.
I said “how much to go to 1st class” she brought me an apple juice.
To be fair I did piss everywhere in the toilet………
(It was turbulence I swear!)
Yeah.
Got really bored during lights out…Started singing the A-Team theme, really loudly. Woke some people up.
Went quiet. Farted on lady.
During the flight they handed out forms, no explanation. We ignored them.
Arrived in nam.
1. Rained on. It’s hot ? What ?
2. Herded into a bus to terminal.
3. In line for an hour, 35-40 degree heat, no air. No sim message on my phone. Thanks Telstra.
4. No forms, fillout. Back of the line.
We were the last people to leave.
Fuck.
YOU WAN Taxi ? WHERS YOU WAN GO ?
hotel ?
1.50 USD to hotel.
how much ?
@#$%^WTSDGS% mooply ving tiwwwllll 150, 150 US.
1.50 sure.
Arrive at hotel……no no 15 15USD bleh.
We check in eventually and wander up to our room, twin room with stained carpet. Not too bad. Nice view of a wall.
Try to order icecream.
Fing chong wah…..WHat ? Flippelynmiiiiieeeeee ??
Fuck, no icecream.
Try again later. same result.
Put up Luke Perry on wall.
Explore hotel.
Hit on by male waiter. I’m hansom man.
Wow.
Go outside, fooding.
Raining still. Lasted 4 hours.
Walk around for awhile in the rain. Very dirty. Seeing lots of shops selling crap and several scary food places. Eventually found one that looked safe.
Try to order orange juice. receive coffee.
Fuck.
Drinking local water, ice. no choice. no icecream. fuck.
Find another place.
Red pepsi ?
They all waves when we wandered off, you come again thank you.
I dont know.
Another place. Very good beef, much local tiger beer.
Good. Staff playing with snake in drink bottle. good.
Eventually wandered back to the hotel.
No ice cream. Connected in hotel lobby at 28.8 k on something called VNN.
Drunk. Fantastic.
Night.
Edit: 12/05/2004
Found the hotel bar last night after posting the above. Live music, in mostly English. Two ladies a midi(?) keyboard and a mic. Classy.
Drank about 5 tiger beers each, made a mess with beer nuts. Sleep.
Woke up. Spilled drink all over my bed (Not my fault) went out.
Walking along approached by cyclo driver.
Little Asian guy starts following us and shouting.
Where you FRAM!!! ???
Ignoring him. No thank you.
HEY HEY HAY, WHERE YOU FROM GO ?
Australia.
AUSSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE.
NUMBER 1
Vietnam number 2
WHERE YOU WANT GO ?
Just walking.
NO NO NO ACCIDENT MANY PEOPLE HIT BY BIKE. NO WALK.
So we hired two cyclos.
Went to the market where Sang guided us around finding what we wanted to buy, from there we went to the dvd markets, reunification palace, museum of American war crimes, Animal market with kittens birds in cages, and an American market, army surplus stuff like that.
Then we went drinking with our drivers. Followed by hotel.
***
Ripped off, sure of it. Though its so little money really that we don’t care.
A tiger beer is 9000dong. A USD is worth 15000 dong. I bought shirts today for $2 good quality.
Got my driver drunk, i think, almost capsized the cyclo on him 
our drivers also call us hansom.
Going to vc tunnels, meekong, boats, guns tomorrow. cost $40usd to hire a car. cost $80 for the drivers to take us around for the entire day. Peddling for the entire day.
Wow.
Oh and then there is skeletor, at a market for knockoff lighters militant surplus a begger made his way in.
He had no lips, no cheeks, hardly eyelids. Text cant really express what it feels like to be shopping, turn around and be faced with someone like that.
Fear, pity, shock. I don’t know.
Then there is the guy at the museum. With no arms.
We shook hands.
His elbow (stump?) was soft.
Saw so much today.
Spelling very bad, as I said, drinking. Going to have dinner and more tiger beers now. Assuming I survive I’ll check in tomorrow.
Wow.
Thursday
13-05-2004
Dinner was good last night, 40000VND for rice and tiger beer. Didn’t continue, jizzspot feeling poorly.
No problem.
Icream ordered. Sleep, 8pm.
***
Today: 8am pickup by the driver from yesterday, and sang our guide.
went 2hours hour of Saigon, VC tunnels at Chu Chi.
Drank cobra wine (Cobra in bottle) fired AK47 & M60, crawled through tunnels saw traps bunkers ect ect.
Drove again, to the meekong, no working ATM, sang trusted us, fronted about two months wages and paid for us. 1.2million VND each for 5 hours on a sampan?
Went to candy factory, temple where we were robbed by monkeys (Took our water bottles) a few other islands.
Lunch, big endangered(?) lung fish. Yeah. Beers.
Drove around on the boat for awhile, came back.
Paid sang 4million dong for ther privilege.
Sunburn. owch.
Tommorow, going to the Saigon waterpark, 9am.
woo woo.
Tonight, tiger beer, icecream, sleep. Tired.
Oh, everywhere here has a TV from slums to floating fish markets and farms, to remote islands. woo woo.
Night.
Friday
14-05-2004
Saigon waterpark, very sunburnt, went down a few watersides, went in the wavepool, other than that we prettymuch say in the spas, watched the Tarzan ride thing and floted around the “logride” , yeah.
Monkey island tomorrow. Fine.
People were touching me at the waterpark. Hello, were you from ? *touch*
Ohhhh *touch*
You married *Touch*
Dunno.
People also touched me in the changing room and wanted to shake my hand ?
Dunno.
Saturday
15-05-2004
We went to Monkey island today. Drove through lots of little towns, a ferry, rice paddys ect.
When we arrived there were monkeys everywhere. The road, the carpark, trees, seats, everywhere.
We only spent about 90 minutes there, not a lot to see. It was a cafe and little war and culture museum and a path along a moat (river?) into the jungle.
Saw some monkeys, has one climb up my shorts rubbing his little monkey balls on my leg while trying for food.
Saw a monkey covered in blood after a fight, surprised a self loving monkey on the path.
Off to the side there is a section for alligators. A bridge over the section lets visitors look down at them.
More interestingly there were (I think) Japanese tourists, a monkey jumped one and took his water: Photo
Funny as hell. But not for him he started getting all pissy and aggressive, waving his arms and bag.
Monkey starts hissing, baring teeth. Tourist continues and eventually backs off, looks like the monkey is going to attack.
I get in between the two as we move off. The fuck keeps bating the monkey.
Tourist gets to the end of the bridge and (I think) three of the monkeys friends jump him and take a full bag of food.
Erkkkk errrrrrrrrrrrrr squeeeeeeeeeee
The run off into the jungle.
Everyone laughs.
Went back to Saigon…after some beer. Went to a market, sunscreen, shopping, dinner, hotel.
Lobster sunburn.
***
Tried to order tacos last night.
Security arrived at our room.
WHAT PROBLEM!!!!!!!
no problem
???????????????!!!!!
no problem, just room service, icecream.
have a dollar goodnight.
***
Yeah.
Tried again a bit later. Got icecream..eventually….oh I think I recorded this one. I sang my happy icecream song for them. (Camcorder pointed at door)
Sunday
16-05-2004
Markets again today, silver markets, luggage, and American surplus market. Again. Didn’t see Skeletor again. Would have tried for a stealth photo. No one would understand back home.
Looking more than anything.
People touching me again today. So many people over here feel the need to touch me, at lunch the waiter rubbed my stomach ?
Lucky like budda ? Who knows.
Got back the hotel this afternoon, FUCKING TRAVEL AGENT didn’t process my booking properly, the hotel staff were wondering why we were still here.
Checkout 16th.
Plane 17th.
Thanks bestflights.com.au
Sooo…..
$100USD rather than $22AUD for tonight.
Fantastic.
Midday checkout – Fuck.
Supposed to be going to ben sing (Spelling?) market tomorrow, some bar and then the airport..we’ll work it out.
I have about 1.5million dong still, and enough USD between us to keep us out of trouble.
Plane in 30 hours time. It’s 3pm here.
Monday – Last day.
17-05-2004
Lots of beer last night we had I think 16 beers two main meals and chips twice for about $25.
Saw a local toilet, one bucket for paper, one to wash your hands. Some guy threw up into the urinal. It was green, Yeah.
Wandered around after the bar, ended up at another hotel advertising karoaki massage. Sounds interesting.
They have booths there ? Got put in one to the protest of the locals…they said no no no no we wandered back to our hotel after riding the lift.
Yeah.
Had a few more beers this time at $2.50 each 
Hotel massage (They walk on you) sauna, goodnight.
Couldn’t explain sunburn. Hurt lots.
Bleh.
***
Anyway we met Sang in the morning, went around the city in the cyclos again, this time however in the rain.
They have a canopy that folds over the passenger section, not just a roof another section folded across protecting ones legs and body from the rain.
Cool.
Anyway we wandered around a market or two, saw a few Australian soldiers…stopped for a drink, some little kid said hello, I said taco, he had no hair and looked burnt. Nothing interesting, final shopping trips then back to the hotel.
As we closed the room door the phone started ringing. Yeah they wanted us out.
Taxi-Airport-5 hours early.
Waiting…
Waiting…
Waiting…
Check in. Money exchange closed, used a shop at their invitation.
Received about a third of the correct exchange rate.
Customs, check in. Airport tax – Fine.
….
Oh not fine. Companion had $3 not $12. Shit.
ATM search. Three sections of the airport. In the rain, beggars, taxi drivers, people everywhere.
Eventually managed to withdraw 500,000 dong, received $18usd for it. (It’s worth 35-40)
Tax paid.
Waiting..
Waiting…
Final checkpoint, more xrays, shoes removed, stand on box checked, metal detectors again.
Waiting…
Old lady fell down the stairs on the way to the plane. Grabbed her. – Ok.
Bus the the plane, starting to rain. Plane home.
Investigated by customs at home, everything but cavity search.
Even cut open the lining of shoes in my bag.
Full drug swabs of everything.
Lots of questions.
However.
Luke Perry came to light without comment.
Home.
